The sriracha chili sauce shortage continues. The whole thing scares me.
When I was about 25ish, I decided I couldn’t eat sweets anymore. No sweet foods, no sweet beverages. No cake, ice cream, chocolate. For several years I couldn’t drink milk. Most American bread was too sweet. Fruit was too sweet. After 10 years, I was able to handle one or two mandarin oranges and strawberries and some milk.
The biggest problem I had was I didn’t get dessert. All my fun food was gone. At first, I made do with cheese. That was a dessert substitute. But, eventually, I wanted more.
One day I was in a Safeway, and I spotted a jar of pickled habaneros. I thought, well, I’m sure they aren’t going to be sweet. So I bought it and took it home. I opened the jar and I could barely see for five minutes, the fumes were so strong.
I had a pair of sharp scissors. I sliced off a tiny sliver of one of the habaneros and added it to a pot of chili. It was almost too hot for me at the time. I knew then what my new dessert was going to be: hot peppers. Endless entertainment and not enough sweetness to be bothered by.
I mean, yeah, sure: Peppers have sugar. So? So does spinach. The sweetest food I eat is garlic, followed by onions. But their sweetness isn’t offensive to me. They have redeeming features, like pungency and burn.
In the years after I discovered that jar of pickled habaneros I branched out and started roasting my own peppers, Jalapeños, serranos, goat peppers, Thai chilies, Anaheims.
Then, I got back around to habaneros and roasted the orange ones. I practiced a regime of not having water, beer or milk to douse the heat. The theory was I should just not overdo it and let my immunity to it build naturally without crutches. I got to where I could eat two roasted habaneros at a time and then ghost peppers started appearing in stores. I decided they were not for me. I would stay where I was. Although, I do carry a little shaker of ground ghost pepper, just for emergencies (when the food at a restaurant isn’t spicy enough). Just a tiny sprinkle saves the day.
Hot sauces are almost a different world. I started out on Tabasco when I was eight, led by my father. But, eventually, I didn’t care anymore for all the vinegar. So, I started looking for alternatives. One was sriracha. My current favorite is sambal oelek. It’s so hot that germs won’t touch it. An unrefrigerated jar will last years.
Obviously, it’s people like me who are responsible for the world-wide shortage of chili peppers, since we are eating them all. It could have been different. I could have stuck with desserts of cheese, and then there would have been a world-wide cheese shortage.
In a completely different vein, I have been reading about the All-Star Game coming to Seattle, and I am realizing how out of touch I am in this department. What kind of All-Stars? What kind of Game? I’m assuming balls are involved. What sorts of balls? The Game is happening at a place called T-Mobile Park, which I have never heard of. I think it’s one of those two stadiums that were built after the Kingdome was demolished. The other one is named after a cable company? Am I right? Which is which? Does it matter? Do they switch places every other week?
In advance of this game, there are homeless sweeps going on near the stadium — whichever one it is — because tourists. Actually, I lie. Our mayor, Bruce Harrell, says it’s just everyday, regular, routine sweeps, like they do all the time, nothing to do with tourists or any big Games. Nothing to see here — it’s all a big coinky-dinky. Everything’s under control. Keep moving along. No gawking. Don’t block the sidewalks.
Meanwhile, King 5 News has come out saying that King County’s homeless people are almost all from King County. Way to keep up, King 5. You’ll discover the 1969 moon landing next, you sweet dears. Oh, and the Earth is round. So don’t go to Antarctica or you’ll fall off.
Every column deserves a celebration. This one gets hot sauce and Mezcal.
Dr. Wes is the Real Change Circulation Specialist, but, in addition to his skills with a spreadsheet, he writes this weekly column about whatever recent going-ons caught his attention. Dr. Wes has contributed to the paper since 1994. Curious about his process or have a response to one of his columns? Connect with him at [email protected].
Read more of the July 12-18, 2023 issue.