It’s time for another installment of “How to write while stupid.”
I consider myself an expert at making full use of stupidity. The least appreciated of all human brain functions; stupidity is nothing to be afraid of, as long as you’re careful. Keep away from dangerous machinery and loaded weapons while stupid. Now that there are no cool machines or bazookas around, what can you do? You can write!
Right off, people get stuck. They don’t know what to write about. The best thing to do is always the opposite of what everyone says. Everyone says write about what you know. That won’t do. That’s a very small slice of reality.
No! Write about what you don’t know. Now you’ll have unending material.
If worst comes to worst, and you’re so stupid you can’t even think of anything you don’t know, you’re in excellent company. You exemplify the Dunning-Kruger effect, and you’re probably a strong amateur political commentator already.
Writer’s block is a real condition that’s separate from all this. Your brain will have a spinning wheel where your brain’s cursor ought to be. The trick to break out of a writer’s block is to write about what it’s like to have that particular writer’s block. What kind is it? Is it a shack in the woods, case of whiskey writer’s block? Maya Angelou had the “cat sat on a mat, that is that, not a rat” kind. Describe yours in detail.
I believe it was G. K. Chesterton who suggested writing about cracks in the surrounding walls. Or maybe he didn’t suggest it, he just did it. I don’t remember. I had a friend who had a similar technique for entertaining himself in waiting rooms or while in line at a bank. He would count the ceiling. “One,” he’d say. Then he would start over and count the ceiling again. There’s no end to things like this, if you just have the sense not to let them have ends.
Each week, I sit down in front of Ye Olde MacBook, and I fire up Google Docs, and I carefully type the phrase “Insert column here:” at the top of a new document. Then I browse news stories from Seattle and around the world, looking for things I didn’t know. Of course, I need to remove the phrase before I send the column in.
This week I’m especially stupid because I have been having my sleep ruined by a cold and an annoying cough. I’m too stupid to read long headlines. So that saves time. Also I don’t read any of the stories. Years ago I learned that everything I need to know about current events is easy to make up. Just make up something crazy and then tweak it to crazier.
For example, here’s a short headline from The Seattle Times I can stand to read, that says “Rain-soaked Seattle has nation’s highest water bills.” It’s easy to finish the story. I don’t even have to read the first paragraph. It happens to be because of the water company’s addition of the orange spice.
It’s the morning of May Day right now. Q13 Fox is talking about how the Seattle Police are prepared for whatever will come of the day’s planned marches. Obviously, there is no point in reading any such story. There’s no news there yet. My own speculation is as good as any. My version ends with a traditional May Day celebration, in which marchers, having completed their processions, dance around maypoles wrapping each other in colorful ribbons, all while dressed in festive clothes decorated with garlands.
Then the police descend upon the revelers and beat them, for such conduct is heathen. During the fracas one of the heathens breaks his own back while in police custody, proving that he had been a witch, and all the others are declared damned. Subsequently, more witches are discovered among the heathens and all of them join the first in leaping into Satan’s arms unexpectedly.
Sound off to Dr. Wes: [email protected]