In late May, about 100 Seattle police officers joined together in a lawsuit against Seattle, the federal government, City Attorney Pete Holmes, children who wouldn’t let go of their candy, pencil holders and day-old bread. Why? For violating the officers’ civil rights to crush their enemies as guaranteed by the 2nd, 4th, 6th, 7th and umpteenth and 53rd amendments to the U.S. Constitution.
Roughly, the argument was that whereas the police had joined the force with the understanding that, since time immemorial, they’ve had a free pass during a routine bust to kick anyone upside the head who looks at them funny, any restraint on this right deprived them of a benefit which they owned by right of custom. And whereas said right was being stolen from them without due process, just compensation and a kiss by the federal government, through the enforcement of its police-force guidelines, said federal government consists of poopy-heads. And anyone who takes the feds’ side has cooties.
Last week, U.S. District Court Judge Marsha Pechman dismissed the lawsuit, on the grounds that, Wow. Just, wow. This is one wretchedly stupid lawsuit. She didn’t actually say it in those exact words, but she came pretty close, and she also said something extremely close to Don’t even think about trying this again. In fact she told them to not even submit a revision of the lawsuit. I don’t want to even see the same letterhead ever again, is something she also didn’t say.
As a comedy fan I would be sorely disappointed if that were the end of this lawsuit. I must have more. Please. The Seattle 100 must not take this lying down, or if they must, may there be goats and silly hats involved, seltzer and horns, and lots of lawyers running through doors, as well as on and off-stage.
Surely, Judge Pechman’s decision can be appealed. That would help. But I am hoping that just as the original lawsuit sued by name the court-appointed monitor that was charged with overseeing the reforms implementing the fed’s guidelines, a new lawsuit could be brought against the judge. Preferably on the grounds that Judge Pechman violated the police officers’ civil rights under the Civil Rights Acts of 1866, 1964, 1968, the Americans with Disabilities Act and “stuff.”
Then, when the crack legal team representing the police present their case against Judge Pechman to the next judge they come up against, they could tell that judge to watch out, because there’s no end to what they could do. “Don’t make us assume our ultimate form! We will eat your face and digest you!”
I loved the part of the lawsuit that claimed a self-defense right deriving specifically from an implicit right granted by the 4th Amendment, to be secure in their persons, as that amendment prohibits unlawful search and seizure. I would also like the same self-defense right granted to me on precisely those grounds, but I can’t find a policeman who will accept that legal theory. Instead, were I to raise my arms to protect my face from their blows I can expect them to be broken, assuming I don’t get shot.
The last time I discussed my fear of Seattle police, back in June, a reader wrote me to say I was full of it. All the police he had ever encountered were good to him, and none, he said, would hurt anyone who didn’t have it coming.
It’s a truth: Not everyone will share my distrust of the police, because, golly, they don’t treat us all exactly the same way.
In fact, not only do they not treat us all the same way, they expect us to treat them as though they were an entirely separate species of human, more evolved and incapable of injustice. This is the source of our fears, and it is also at the root of the comedy they provide us.
Meet the Seattle 100, who put a choke hold on umpteen Constitutional amendments to keep us locked in fear