January 1, 2014
Vol: 21 No: 1

Dr. Wes

Make no predictions this year, and you won’t be disappointed if things aren’t worse than before

by: Dr. Wes Browning

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It’s time once again for New Year’s predictions and resolutions.

I love this time of year because it’s a time to look back, see how bad the previous year was, and try to be even more pessimistic than ever for the new year. This exercise is also called “realism” because, even though I have almost always been more pessimistic than anyone I know, every year is always worse than I could imagine.

The best thing that happened in 2013 was the meteor that exploded over Russia. Not that it was good for the Russians or that I wished that for them. It’s just that I enjoyed the attitude they demonstrated toward it, which I would like to see more of around here. “What’s that?” “I don’t know.” [Loud explosion. Windows blown out.] “Oh. Government work program.” Then they went out in their shirtsleeves in 40-below weather for a smoke break and talked about how stupid this work program was, stupider than the last one.

My pessimistic prediction: No meteors will blow up over formerly communist countries in 2014, to prompt delightful cynical responses. Worse, no stupid meteors will blow up anywhere, not even over Antarctica.

Last year a pope resigned. First time since 1415.

We won’t be seeing a repeat of that any time soon. Even if the current one resigns it would be no big deal, because we just had one resign last year. There’s no escaping the logic of that. It’s like banging your head with bricks — you have to do it for a while to really enjoy stopping. We’ll need another six centuries to build up tension.

Thanks to Edward Snowden, we found out our government was spying on us as well as on all our allies around the world.

Ha, ha, no, we didn’t find that out, it was only people with their heads under rocks who learned somethin new.

My pessimistic prediction: There will be more revelations from Snowden that will confirm what we all pretty much knew already, that the U.S. government hasn’t really respected privacy rights since 1789.

But even though the administration will have to apologize again and again for violating civil rights, it will continue to insist that Snowden is the criminal spy and seek his extradition. Just because he is supremely annoying to them and that’s all that matters.

I predict next summer will be the hottest summer ever, maybe not here but in the eastern United States. The way things have been going, that looks like a gimme.

There will also be a big hurricane scare in the Southeast. But by then people will be looking forward to the breeze and a little cooling rain.

Contrary to rumors going around, homelessness will not end in King County this year. It would be more likely that King County itself would pack up and go away. If the Committee to End Homelessness in King County (CEHKC) wants to end homelessness in time for the completion of the Ten Year Plan to Plan to End Homelessness, I recommend they ship the entire county out to sea in boxes too small to hold human stowaways.

This New Year’s, as I always do, I’m going to pessimistically predict that I won’t keep a single one of my New Year’s resolutions this year. This is easy, because, like the CEHKC, I have no self-control or discipline and never finish plans.

I might as well resolve this year, just as I did last year, to write the Great American Pornographic Novel, because there is no chance that I will spoil my record of never having done so, or of having even started, aside from chapter titles and a synopsis.

While I’m at it, I will resolve to learn ballroom dancing, Mandarin Chinese, the art of cake decoration, bonsai and I will read the collected works of James Joyce.

This coming year is Real Change’s 20th, and I’ll be happy enough if we don’t fall into a sinkhole made by the tunnel boring machine before we can party.

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