February 20, 2013
Vol: 20 No: 8

Dr. Wes

When opportunity falls out of the clear blue sky, you can bet someone, somewhere, gets beaned by it

by: Dr. Wes Browning

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An asteroid is whizzing by right now. It’s very distracting.

I have a theory that the asteroid’s near miss of the planet and Pope Benedict’s announced resignation are related. After all, as his supervisor, God has to speak to the Pope all the time and probably says things like, “Hey, Benedict, I left some blueberry muffins in the conference room; take whatever you want” or “Don’t forget your timesheet is due tomorrow” or “Thank Me it’s Friday! LOL!”

But I think last week God let it drop that the asteroid was going to hit, and Benny said “No!” and God said, “Well, alternatively, you could resign.” And here we are.

Yesterday, out of the clear blue sky (it was so, I saw the video), tons of meteors slammed into Russia.

Omens, signs and portents! Is there anyone who doesn’t understand why I digress so much? How can anyone concentrate at a time like this? With so much sky-rock hurtling around?

Or maybe it’s because we just dug up Richard III: “Untimely storms make men expect a dearth.” Is that what we have coming this way? A dearth?

Recently Warren Buffett, the rare billionaire with a social conscience to go with all his money, was dumping investments. He was cashing in. I thought I saw a portent. What did he know that I didn’t know?

Then, Buffett decided to buy the Heinz ketchup company. New thought: Would it be a ketchup — or catsup— dearth? Or was Warren Buffett just doing a favor to new Secretary of State John Kerry and his Heinz-princess wife?

“When beggars die, there are no comets seen. The heavens themselves blaze forth the death of princes.”

Maybe Calpurnia meant to say, “The heavens themselves blaze forth the dearth of ketchup,” or “The heavens themselves blaze forth the resignation of popes.” Maybe Shakespeare took crummy notes. Maybe he wasn’t even there.

Why would such a smart man like Warren Buffett want to be stuck with a ketchup empire when everyone knows salsa is the future? Could it have something to do with impending compromises on immigration reform? Does he think salsa is going to lose popularity and ketchup will make a comeback? That salsa’s loss would be ketchup’s gain? Are condiments really a zero-sum game?

I doubt it. If one man goes begging would another get rich? Perhaps, but which “another?” There has to be a connection between the two for there to be a seesaw effect. There must be a fulcrum and a board, with little seats at opposite ends. There’s no little seats and board and fulcrum for salsa and ketchup. Maybe for the beggar and the rich man. I’m still working on that. It might have something to do with profiting off the jail and prison industry or the subsidized housing market.

In fact, The New York Times reported recently that landlords in the Upper West Side were trying to buy out residents of apartment buildings so they could take advantage of housing subsidies for the homeless that would be dished out by New York’s Department of Homeless Services.

Is that a good sign or a bad sign?

The story tells of a 68-year-old Social Security recipient who is one of 71 tenants housed in single rooms with shared bathrooms in a building without a kitchen among them. She is offered amounts like $25,000 to clear out so that homeless people can move in. It sounds great, but it might mean they’d all have to leave the city for good.

Meanwhile, landlords will get $3,000 per month from the city for each homeless person housed in their building. The homeless people so “helped” could do a lot better for themselves if they were just handed the $3,000 per month directly, but that would be a “handout.”

So instead, the landlord gets the handout. There’s your little seats, board and fulcrum. The fat landlords swing to the ground every time. Everyone else gets thrown skyward.

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