Todd Akin is not the only stupidest man on Earth
In preparing to write this week, I accumulated a record number of news articles providing a record number of outrageously stupid remarks by all manner of white male Republicans. Usually I draw from four or five news accounts. This time I had too much to read.
How stupid is Todd Akin? I can’t count that high. Life is too short to list the ways.
Twenty states are preparing to pass laws prohibiting driving while being Todd Akin.
At one point last week, Todd Akin actually apologized for having said that a woman legitimately raped can’t get pregnant, by saying that what he meant to say was that a woman forcibly raped can’t get pregnant.
It’s like a murder defendant denying he stabbed the victim to death by insisting he used an axe.
I’m getting nostalgic for Bill Clinton. If Todd Akin ever got to be president, it could be “I did not have sex with that woman — that was not sex, that was rape.”
Todd Akin isn’t against rape because he opposes violence. Todd Akin is against rape because he opposes contraception.
You know, it’s all starting to make sense. Gay sex is wrong because it can’t result in babies. Masturbation is wrong because it can’t result in babies. The Internet is wrong because it can’t result in babies. Rape is wrong because it can’t result in babies. Watching movies, playing the banjo, reading, playing bingo, showering, calling politicians nutballs: all wrong. Nothing is good but good, wholesome consensual sex that makes babies.
So the Republicans have split into one-and-a-half camps. One camp, the Akinists, believe that a woman can’t get pregnant from genuine rape. Another camp, the anti-Akinists, believe that a woman can get pregnant from genuine rape, but she should suck it up, have the kid and raise it because God sent that rapist to rape her so that she’d have that baby. Half the Akinists are so stupid they are also anti-Akinists. I know, it’s impossible to be that stupid, but I’m not making this up: the impossible happens. These people believe all of the above and also that rapists should be allowed child visitation rights.
Why stop at child visitation rights? Why not allow more rapes of the same woman since the first rape proved so blessed?
The logical conclusion, accepting Akin’s argument and the moral opposition to birth control, is that a woman who doesn’t enjoy her rape is guilty of preventing God’s will and thwarting a pregnancy. She makes it a rape by not wanting the sex. So the woman is the rape-doer.
“Your honor, I will prove beyond a shadow of doubt that the only reason my client tied that woman down, beat her, stripped her and beat her again, and then raped her against her will was simply because she did not want him to do all those things. She forced my client to rape her against her will so that she could prevent herself from being pregnant.”
On this principle, rape victims should be charged with attempted contraception. Of course, the court might then choose to grant mercy upon the rape victim, provided she agreed to a “do-over,” giving the rapist consent this time, so that the rape might have a proper chance to “take.”
That, and she should get 30 lashes with a thick bamboo rod for resisting the first time, because if you’re going to be medieval, you ought to do it all-out.
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