I like Elon Musk. I don’t care what anyone says. I probably wouldn’t like his politics, if I paid attention to them. He makes electric cars I will never buy or use or ride in, but I’m sure they’re very nice and they will save the environment. He builds rockets that fling satellites into space and land themselves, most of the time, upright on ocean barges, just like rockets landed in 1950s science fiction movies. So rockets can be recycled, as if they were eggshells or coffee grounds.
Recently, though, he released a picture, supposedly drawn on an electronic sketchpad, of a Tesla being powered by gaseous emissions from the back end of a happy unicorn. Because electricity is magical unicorn poots. Isn’t that how everything should work? Thank you, Elon Musk, for your vision, and for reminding us what we should be paying attention to in our world.
Happily, Elon Musk isn’t the only guy who’s found a use for happy unicorn gas. Our president, Mr. Sniffy, has determined that the Low Income Home Energy Assistance Program should be ended because it doesn’t do any significant good. “It is unable to demonstrate strong performance outcomes.”
One might expect that eliminating the program would demonstrate a strong enough performance outcome, when all those people either freeze next winter or starve as they use their food money to pay for heat. But I’m sure that our president has seen how the unicorns can come to the rescue. When people stop relying on the government to make energy come to them, they’ll start learning the importance of harnessing their own happy magical rainbow-eating unicorns.
Or, Trump may be planning something even more outstanding. You know how he has been dismissing global warming? He’s said it’s a hoax, perpetrated by the Chinese. Well, I think he’s just saying that because he doesn’t want to stop it, for the sake of the poor people who need help staying warm each winter. He is caring and compassionate.
Even the threat of rising oceans is a good thing if you approach it high on unicorn poots. Because (pay close attention now, this is going to be incredibly clever) as the oceans rise you all know that the land area of the country will shrink. Practically all of Florida will disappear under the Atlantic, for instance. So all the people will have to move inward and huddle closer together. So they’ll keep each other warm, without any need for electricity at all.
Not to mention all the energy saved by having shorter distances to drive everywhere. Truck drivers won’t have as far to drive, so they’ll use less cocaine, meth and LSD getting there. There will be fewer accidents, saving money that has been wasted rebuilding all those totaled cars and trucks. The future is looking great now, isn’t it?
We also can’t overlook our president’s radical new idea of supplementing our nation’s energy production by using energy from exploding Obamacare.
Just as we can derive magical cheap and safe energy by exploding atoms and charge old people tons of money to use it to warm their houses, we can also blow up Obamacare and drive giant turbines and likewise charge old people truckloads of money for the cheap safe energy that makes. That money can then be used to pay coal miners to dig up all that coal that we won’t be needing anymore.
Even ending funding for the National Endowment for the Arts is fantastic. It means a whole lot less lousy performance art and a whole lot more paintings of big-eyed children. I shouldn’t have to tell you, you can’t hang a performance piece on your living room wall. This is going to represent a huge leap forward for our American quality of life.
Speaking of useless performance art, who needs Curious George? Who needs PBS Kids besides kids who can’t learn social-emotional skills just from other kids, like normal people have always had to?
If Curious George still wants to stay in business doing whatever it is he thinks he’s doing, he can get a GoFundMe account along with the remaining performance artists who won’t learn to paint big-eyed kids.
That also goes for everyone who used to get Medicaid. This is 2017. Get your own unicorn.