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On the 24th of February 2007, it was confirmed that 100
percent of all of us have blogs. I have three of them.
Anitra “Netmama” Freeman has a different blog
for every skirt in her closet. Timothy “From Him
All Power Comes; To Him All Praise Flows” Harris,
our Director, has a blog. You, dear reader, have a blog,
whether you know it or not. Maybe you have a daughter
who was born last week. Your daughter, though she has
never touched an internet-connected device, has a blog
with her name on it. Her profile lists her favorite kinds
of music. She’s into stuff you grew out of in the
’90s.
Since you all have blogs, you know how I feel when people
beg me to use their ideas for this column. You know that
writing a column, or a blog, is something that has to
come from the soul. Like the time you posted all your
eggplant recipes. You can’t be handed material like
that. It has to flow from the gut.
Now my gut says I need to devote this column to detailed
excuses for not using the unsolicited ideas I get.
Here’s one I get every week. “You know what
you should do, Dr. Wes? You should write a column that
tells the truth about being homeless. Let people know
how bad it is on the streets. Oh, what’s that? You
did it already? 200 times? In 200 different ways? Well,
you need to do it again. A good idea doesn’t become
bad just because it’s been done 200 times.”
According to this reasoning, I, Dr. Wes Browning, should
personally record a cover of Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody.
I should re-lose my virginity in a cheap room in upstate
NY immediately. I must order the Orange Mandarin Duck
for dinner tonight and the next night and the next, until
it kills me.
Here’s another one I get a lot. “I stay at
XYZ Mission a lot, and their management’s all corrupt.
You should write about that.”
“No, you stayed there, you saw the corruption; you
write about it.”
“But they won’t let me stay there anymore.”
“Write it anonymously and bring us the facts, and
if they check out we’ll print it.”
“They’ll find out it was me.”
“I’ll be over here contemplating my spine
while you find yours.” I learned when I was 19,
you don’t empower people by letting them bleed your
nipples.
I constantly have to ask the question, “You know
it’s a humor column, don’t you?”
“You should talk about violence against homeless
people, all the time, until people do something about
it.”
“What’s the rest of the paper for?”
“You have to write about it too. All the time.”
All right, here’s your hate-crime news o’
the week: It’s being widely reported that a third
of all violent U.S. hate-crimes against homeless people
happen in Florida. Ha. Chads. Jeb Bush. Old people. Cuban
refugees. Teenagers. Fort Lauderdale. Spring Breaks. Hilarious
stuff.
On Jan. 11, 2001, I wrote that today the U.S. only has
room for eight acres per man, woman, and child, even counting
swamps, garbage dumps, and shopping malls. So if everyone
regardless of race had to get 40 acres and a mule we’d
need to first conquer a land area four times the size
of all 50 states. I mention this again for the benefit
of vendor Calvin T. Again I say, we don’t have that
much power to ourselves; the rest of the world has something
to say about it, something involving guns, and bullets,
and ungraceful death and suffering.
I give up on this one. I have a request that I learn about
Chinese New Year and write what I learn. Great idea! It’s
4705! It’s the Year of the Fire Pig! Make me lucky!
Give me $8 in a red envelope by Saturday! Then, I will
eat a stuffed dumpling with my sweetheart!
How educational was that?
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